No matter how much I try to veer off towards safety and comfort, I find myself back on the path of discomfort again and again. It is an actual place. A place where I look into the darkest corners of my mind, where truth rules and delusion disappears. I don’t like to see the delusion go at first, it is what comforts me after all. It is the rose colored glasses of my mind.
The truth I am finally willing to face is my need to be liked, to be pleasing and to be approved of. Is that a familiar feeling to anyone else? I have spent so much energy and so much of my life fulfilling this need by nurturing fake relationships that bring no fulfillment, just not to face the discomfort. I have put so much effort into doing things which gave me no satisfaction, no authentic joy, but kept me in the safety of feeling that others approve of what I do. I have cared so much about the opinions of others, hiding my imperfections, chipping away at my self-worth.
Frozen with fear time and again, I hid myself away into the safety of ordinary and mundane. So many brave things which were started never saw the light of day in my life. Unfinished degrees, unfinished business ideas, unfulfilled creative ideas, books started and never shown to anyone, even this blog hidden and forgotten. I chose a safe path of hiding out. I explained it all away with logic and morality. In Daring Greatly, Brene Brown called it flying under the radar. Well, I flew the hell out of that flight, steering into my shadows. It took so many years to finally be ready to face this truth.
Once you see it, it cannot be unseen. Seeing the truth without delusion is so powerful that the only choice that remains is to be free of it, to relinquish the fear, to take up my rightful space in this world, for my voice to be heard. To break away from the delusions of this view, that to survive in life I need to be liked, I turned to the study of Buddhism and the 8-fold path. That’s what Buddha called the path towards enlightenment and freedom from suffering. Enlightenment is such a powerful word. I always felt it was something which is reserved for very special humans who arrive in this destination where they just simply are enlightened and blissful, as birds chirp over their heads. That was a sort of delusion to sway me not to even attempt or try to get there. I feel differently today. I don’t see enlightenment as a finish line to be crossed, I see it as a long journey with many mountains and valleys, and stormy days and being a hot mess in the process. It sounds uninviting, I know. But that is what the road to freedom is like. No promises of first class, cushy cars on this train ride.
Freedom is another powerful word. We all say we want it. But how many of us actually experience it in any meaningful and sustainable way? How do we even define freedom? For some it is financial freedom, but on some deeper level we know that money does not bring happiness. How many wealthy people do we know in our society in mental crisis, living with addiction, or feeling suicidal, or just plain sad and miserable. Can popularity or fame give you freedom? Well, now you are just being sliced and diced with judgment and opinions in public being looked through everyone else’s lens and ideas on life.
As I see it today, the freedom that I am looking for is the freedom from delusion of a mind riddled with toxic narratives from the many moments in the past holding me hostage. My culture, my gender, my family, my immigrant story. Sometimes it feels like a million moving ropes, sucking me in like quick sand. There is a scene in Harry Potter when the young heroes must get through the dangerous roots to get to the sorcerer’s stone and Hermione says “let them take you”, she relaxes her body and calmly goes through the roots to a safe chamber where their next step will be revealed. I think of my inner narratives as these ropes. If I struggle and fight against them or try to camouflage and avoid them, they suffocate me even more. If I just relax and calmly sit in their midst, I get to the next step of self discovery. But how to get calm in the face of seemingly such real danger. Curiosity, compassion, kindness, acceptance will definitely help. They are the secret sauce, the healing remedy, the antidote to delusion.
Breaking away from the delusion of inner stories we tell ourselves brings us one step closer to life without suffering and towards your self fulfillment. I am not just a mom or just a wife or just a daughter, or a sister, or a friend, or a therapist. I am all of that and more. I am a spirit which came here free of any notions or agreements on needing to be liked and acting from that place. I need to let my spirit be.
Steps I take quite often in my days when the roots of my limiting beliefs are suffocating:
- Try to create mindful time and space to be with what is arising from this belief.
- Don’t panic. Remind yourself that this discomfort shall pass.
- Gently concentrate on the physical sensations coming up in the moment.
- Curiously turn towards your emotions.
- Compassionately witness the thoughts.
- Breathe. Relinquish and Let go. Repeat.
The fog of my stories ascends on me regularly. I often find my mind drawn to one or another one of these threads. Each one can completely absorb me. It is weirdly familiar to swim in the lake of my own misery. I am good at it, as are so many. I sit curiously and with compassion looking at the damage it left, the choices I made, the relationships I sought. I realize I cannot continue to keep these beliefs around. So I sit with the daily intention to face them, to face the rackage, to heal my wounds, to let them go, to let my spirit be.
